Now Playing Tracks

  • (A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)

  • Angry Customer:

    “Damn f**s.”

  • Gay Man:

    “Excuse me?”

  • Angry Customer:

    “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”

  • Gay Man:

    *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”

  • Angry Customer:

    “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”

  • (The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)

  • Angry Customer:

    *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”

  • (Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)

  • Owner:

    “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”

  • Wife:

    “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”

  • Owner:

    “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”

  • (The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)

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